Today, I came across a job that 1. I would like, 2. would involve something I'm passionate about, and 3. would get me out of town. This means revisiting my resume'. I haven't really updated my resume' in, like, 9 years because I haven't had to. And in 9 years of working for the state, I have a lot to update.
...so, I'm procrastinating, apparently.
I remembered this "fake" resume' I wrote which I like to call Resume' (First Draft). This was originally a myspace blog. Let's go back in time to 2006: I had just graduated from UT with a fairly useless psych degree and no interest in the field anymore. I wanted a "real" job. I wanted to make some money.
I was working at the Olive Garden, and in retrospect, I wasn't disgruntled. Or at least not as disgruntled as I am these days. I worked 3 days a week, and I have no idea how I paid bills. It was a fun time.
While searching for a real job, I wrote this...
So, last night, again, I tried to
write my resume, but again, I got wicked frustrated by the fact that working in
a restaurant hasn't done shit for me... so then I spent my time not writing my
resume, but writing this smartass resume.
Jack Batongbakal
6900 Immature
Smartass Cove (512)569-5069
Austin, Texas
78745 Jack.Batongbakal@gmail.com
(fake)
BACKGROUND
Jack just wants
to get the fuck out of working in a restaurant. So please. He's
clearly willing to do anything just short of sucking cock in order to make a
reasonable amount of money in order to provide for himself, his food and the
girl of his dreams whom he's hoping he'll also meet somewhere that isn't a
restaurant cause we all know that dating in a restaurant is as good as
inbreeding He's a damned hard worker, loyal to a fault, soft-spoken yet
entertaining, a quick learner, fuckin' intelligent and quick at adapting....
like the Borg.
Professional
Experience
Olive Garden
(Burnet
Rd.)
Server/Bartender
Austin,
TX 2003-Present
Responsibilities/Accomplishments
include
- Very dependable at getting
appointed tasks done; "dancing monkey will dance if you tell dancing
monkey to dance"
- Works well with stupid
people (and that's both an accomplishment and a statement)
- Can claim dignity for not
ass-kissing.
- Takes pride in his
aesthetically pleasing and somewhat pleasant tasting drinks.
- Hasn't physically harmed a
patron nor done something excessively bad to a patron's food, and considering
he's been there for about 5 years, that's a fuckin' accomplishment.
- Honest unless it gets him
or his friends in trouble
- Rarely drinks a lot on the
job
- Excellent at bureaucratic
paperwork bullshit
- Invented "bar
bowling", "bar curling", "bar shuffleboard", "bar
darts", "bar-box tic-tac-toe", and always calls
"glass" when shooting trash off the backboard into the trashcan.
- Can play the opening riff
from "Seven Nation Army" with water and wine glasses.
- Extremely hard worker
- Proficient in handling a
semi-sharp knife while wearing a Kevlar-based cutting glove... like wearing a
helmet while walking fast.
- Extreme proficiency in
breaking glass, ideal for good for Jewish weddings.
- Cryomaniac... Loooves
freezing shit.
- Maintains a generally
presentable appearance but still refuses to shave his balding head.
- Durable, has worked an
entire year without slip-resistant shoes and only fell on his ass 4 times.
Olive Garden
(South
Lamar)
Host/Host Trainer
Austin,
TX
November 1999- July 2001
Responsibilities/Accomplishments
included
- Walking fast when trying to
get from one place to another
- Walking slow when guests
walk slow, are old, disabled, easily distracted, or are just plain stupid.
- Excellent seller. Made
people believe that they'd actually enjoy the job and wouldnt end up working
there for the rest of their lives during interview process.
- Can keep a secret although
extremely good gossiper
- Can move tables together or
take them a part like a monkey.
- Proficiency in counting and
talking.
- Can think quickly on the
spot and answer phones with many different names or accents.
- Not bothered by masochism
Education
University of
Texas at
Austin May
2002-May 2006
B.A.in
Psychology GPA
3.4
Minored in
History
Language-
German (3 years including two semesters of Business German but typically spent
his time looking up important things like "Polar bear" and "magic
carpet" and "Hilary Duff is a dirty whore"... Hilary Duff ist
eine schmutzige Schlampe... right?)
Other- Spent
two semesters as an assistant to the principle investigator of a research
project
- Froze the shit out of
peoples arms, laughed about it, and made excellent charts with Microsoft
Excel... for science.
Computer
Experience:
- Microsoft
Word, Microsoft Excell, Microsoft Windows Facebook, Myspace, solitare, spider
solitare, freecell, mediaplayer, AOL, NHL hockey 1992, a game where you made
cheeseburgers for money in space (I shit yall not), Kazaa, Kazaalite programs
that let you look at pictures oh and MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT!!!
Additional
Qualifications
- Doesn't do
drugs, and is trying to not drink anymore which is difficult when you work in a
bar, and you constantly wonder whether your drink tastes all right and then you
make a little more next time cause you realize that you have a talent for
making things with liquor and ice.
- Really fuckin
smart.
- Innovative,
inventive and real good with words
- Asian, and we
know that Asians are awesome workers
- Affirmative
action
- Smells
extremely good when not smelling like Italian food or liquor
- Has excellent
beginners luck
- Thoughtful
and good for morale
- Really poor
right now...
