Backstory: in improv, my friend Tatiana was talking about how someone had made a "negativity scene" where the people in the nativity scene looked grumpy. I loved that idea. So, we started to riff a bit as Mary and Joseph, and the idea stuck with me. I wrote a short play.
The following is based on a true story.
The Negativity Story
Scene 1
(Ext: A desert at night lit by a bright star in the sky. MARY is riding a donkey while JOSEPH is leading on foot. They're both extremely annoyed.)
MARY
How much longer you think?
JOSEPH
I don't know.
MARY
Do you know where you're going?
JOSEPH
I'm following that big ass star in the sky, honey. You said follow the star, so I'm following the star.
MARY
...My feet hurt.
JOSEPH
Your feet hurt? I'm the one walking.
MARY
Well, I'm the pregnant one.
JOSEPH
Yeah... I know.
MARY
Oh, here we go.
JOSEPH
No, no. We're not arguing about this again.
MARY
Just say it. I know you wanna say something.
JOSEPH
No. I'm just gonna keep walking.. Just gonna keep leading this stupid donkey and my pregnant wife to a place where she can give birth to a child whom I didn't father.
MARY
There it is.
JOSEPH
Just gonna keep my mouth shut and keeeeeep walking.
MARY
Alright, let's have this argument again.
JOSEPH
Nope. I'm not gonna have this argument. Just gonna keep walking with my lovely, faithful, pregnant wife... who was quote "impregnated by the holy spirit."
MARY
DUDE... THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!
JOSEPH
Oh, I'm sure. I hear Zeus does it all the time. Oh wait, Zeus is a made up story.
MARY
C'mon, it's been months. How are you still mad about this?
JOSEPH
How am I still mad? I'm sorry, but given what's happening right now, the wound is fresh.
MARY
I swear, I haven't been unfaithful. I haven't had sex with anyone.
JOSEPH
Oh, trust me. I know. You won't even let me put the tip in.
MARY
Now, we're going to have that argument?! I'm too tired for this, Jo. Besides, you shouldn't say things like that. I'm about to be a mother.
JOSEPH
And I'm gonna be the most famous, sexless, cuckolded stepfather of all time.
MARY
What, do you feel trapped?
JOSEPH
YES.
MARY
Well, do you think I had a choice?
JOSEPH
YES!
MARY
How?! If God was all, "Hey, Joseph, I want you to be the father of my son, you'd say, "No?"
JOSEPH
I'd include you in the discussion at least.
MARY
IT'S GOD, JOSEPH. IF HE ASKS YOU SOMETHING, YOU DON'T SAY, "Umm... Gee. lemme think a bit." You do it. There's a plan. You have to have faith.
JOSEPH
Faith? In you? In Him?
MARY
BOTH! Ugh, stop here a sec. All this yelling... I need to pee.
JOSEPH
Really? Again?
MARY
I. Have. To. Pee. It's all I can do now.
JOSEPH
Fine... Fucking fine...
Scene 2
(Ext. A desert on the same night. We follow three men on camels. They are also very annoyed.)
BALTHAZAR
WAIT... WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE... YOU BROUGHT GOLD?!?!
GARY
Yeah.
MELCHIOR
Oh, fuck you.
GARY
What? Why?
BALTHAZAR
We brought... fucking... spices, man, and you brought gold? What the hell?
GARY
There wasn't, like, a 10 dollar limit, was there?
MELCHIOR
No, but it's a baby. We were supposed to bring cheap, meaningful shit.
BALTHAZAR
You're gonna make us look like a bunch of assholes.
GARY
My master couldn't come but he felt really bad, so he sent me with gold.
BALTHAZAR
Wait... Your master? You're not Gaspar?
GARY
No.
BALTHAZAR
Then who the fuck are you?
GARY
I'm his assistant... Gary.
MELCHIOR
"Gary?!" Oh, for f*cks sake!
BALTHAZAR
Wait, we could do that? We could just send someone?
MELCHIOR
Apparently.
BALTHAZAR
That's fucked up. I had to get out of bed for this... Now, we're all trundling aimlessly through the frozen desert chasing a bright ass star!
GARY
How do you think I feel? I was asleep, and Gaspar's comes in and he's all like, "Hey, there's a star in the sky. Something something Messiah. Blah blah, take this gold and give it to him for me. I got a date."
MELCHIOR
Wait, where's Gaspar?
GARY
He is... how should I put it? "Entertaining a lady."
MELCHIOR
Jesus...
BALTHAZAR
Oh, I like that name...
MELCHIOR
(pause) Still can't believe you brought gold.
BALTHAZAR
Maybe we should say it's from all of us.
GARY
I don't think Master Gaspar would be happy with that...
BALTHAZAR
Fuck Gaspar. We're saying all three things are from all of us.
GARY
But-
MELCHIOR
And if you say another word against us, I'm gonna climb down from my camel and beat the shit out of you.
Scene 3
(Ext. the Inn. At the Inn is INNKEEPER. INNKEEPER is speaking with a tired MARY and JOSEPH)
INNKEEPER
I'm very sorry, we just don't have any available rooms at the Inn.
MARY
Oh, you have to be kidding me. Joseph, didn't you make a reservation? I told you to make a reservation. I asked you fifty times if you made the reservation. You had one job!
JOSEPH
Okay, One: As my wife, YOU had one job, and you failed and Two: I DID make a reservation. Isn't it there?
INNKEEPER
When did you make it?
JOSEPH
At least three months ago.
INNKEEPER
Let me see... No, I'm not finding it. Ya know, we just got this new system. It probably got lost. Terribly sorry.
JOSEPH
C'mon man, I need some help. My virgin wife's pregnant and about to burst with God's child who will also be God.
INNKEEPER
Boy, if I had a nickel...
JOSEPH
Please. We're really on edge. There's gotta be something.
INNKEEPER
Well... there's the barn.
MARY
The barn?
JOSEPH
That's fine. We'll take it.
MARY
A BARN!?! JOSEPH! Seriously?! I'm going to give birth to God's child in a barn?!
JOSEPH
Mary, there's no where else. We got married in a barn. I make barns all the time. There's nothing wrong with a barn.
MARY
A barn... What a husband you are! Ya know what, if you were half the man God is-
JOSEPH
THAT IS A TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE FRACTION. Yes, we'll take the barn.
INNKEEPER
Okay. Let me just get some information. Names...
JOSEPH
Joseph and Mary.
INNKEEPER
Relationship?
JOSEPH
Husband and wife.
INNKEEPER
...But you're not the father?
JOSEPH
No. I am not the father.
INNKEEPER
I see.
MARY
But I'm still a virgin.
INNKEEPER
That's... Ummm... okay. Okay, gotta ask, Joseph, have you ever... ya know... 'known' your wife?
JOSEPH
What?
INNKEEPER
Have you ever... ya know... known her?
JOSEPH
Oh, in the biblical sense? No... Well, not really. We've done some Genesis/Old Testament stuff if you know what I mean, but apparently the ENTIRE bible is off limits.
MARY
And it will be forever, asshole.
Scene 4
(Ext. The Inn. Some time has passed, and BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR, and GARY are speaking with INNKEEPER.)
BALTHAZAR
Is this the place?
MELCHIOR
I think so.
GARY
Yeah. Seems like-
BALTHAZAR
Oh, shut the fuck up, Gary.
INNKEEPER
Hi, may I help you?
BALTHAZAR
We certainly hope so. We're looking for... well... a family. We followed that star here.
INNKEEPER
I'm sorry?
MELCHIOR
Did a couple come through here a bit ago? Lady would have been pregnant?
INNKEEPER
Mmmm... I'm actually not able to discuss other guests.
BALTHAZAR
Seriously? Even if one of them may be pregnant with God's child.
INNKEEPER
Even if it were God himself. We're a very discreet establishment.
BALTHAZAR
Well, that's just fucking awesome. What do we do now?
MELCHIOR
Well, we know they're here somewhere... Excuse me, do you have any rooms to rent?
INNKEEPER
I'm sorry. No rooms available. But we have some room in the barn. I should let you know, though, that there's a already a grumpy couple in there. The woman's pregnant, the man's kind of a dick, and they both may be mentally ill.
BALTHAZAR
Yes. Give us that room.
MELCHIOR
The barn?
BALTHAZAR
Pregnant lady.
MELCHIOR
Oh, right. Yes, please, we'll take it.
GARY
Umm, actually, I have a reservation. My boss called ahead. Gary Morton.
BALTHAZAR
You have got to be shitting me.
INNKEEPER
Morton... Morton. Oh, we do.
BALTHAZAR
Great, we can all share the room.
INNKEEPER
Actually... It can only be Mr. Morton. Inn policy.
GARY
Sorry guys.
MELCHIOR
Fuck off, Gary.
Scene 5
(Ext. The barn. MARY is laying down on hay and looks very uncomfortable. JOSEPH is near, but there's a noticeable distance between the two.)
MARY
Wow, there are a lot of sheep in here... I can't sleep. Too much Baaa... Baaa.. Great call on the barn, Jo...
JOSEPH
Ya know, I really hadn't even noticed the annoying sounds coming from the sheep what with your whole... vibe right now.
MARY
(ignoring) And there's shit everywhere. This place stinks.
JOSEPH
Not evening listening to me.
MARY
At least this can't possibly get any worse.
INNKEEPER
Knock knock.
MARY
Oh no...
JOSEPH
That one's on you.
INNKEEPER
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt. Looks like we have a couple of others staying in the barn with you guys.
MARY
You have to be kidding me.
INNKEEPER
I know. I've explained the whole situation to them. They're cool with it. This is Balthazar and Melchior. They are magi. This is Gary. He's an assistant. He's actually staying in one of our suites, but he wanted to come say hello.
BALTHAZAR
Hello.
JOSEPH
Hi.
MARY
Hi.
MELCHIOR
Hey.
MARY
Hi.
JOSEPH
Hey.
GARY
Hello.
JOSEPH
Hi.
MARY
Hey.
BALTHAZAR
So... are you... them?
JOSEPH
Are we who?
MELCHIOR
Are you the mother and stepfather of the Lord?
JOSEPH
Oh... Yes. That's us.
BALTHAZAR
Praise the Heavens! We found them!
MELCHIOR
We come with gifts!
JOSEPH
Gifts!
BALTHAZAR
We are but two humble wise men and a dick named Gary... who have traveled a long ways to see the child!
MELCHIOR
Yes, where is he?
MARY
(MARY Points to her stomach and makes a laser gun sound) Peeew... Still in my belly.
MELCHIOR
Oh... (whispers) Crap.
BALTHAZAR
Huh. When's uh... when's he coming out?
MARY
I don't know. It should be soon.
BALTHAZAR
Oh... well... That's... That's great. We'll just wait, right? We'll wait. I guess we'll just wait.
JOSEPH
You said something about gifts.
BALTHAZAR
Umm... okay, this is awkward. They're not for you. We gotta give them to the baby.
JOSEPH
Wow, seriously? The baby's not gonna do anything with them. He's just going to discover thumbs.
`
BALTHAZAR
It's... It's a thing... Sorry. Oh, and they're from all of us. No one person brought a single thing.
JOSEPH
Okay...
MELCHIOR
Tell yall what... we're gonna go get settled into that corner, but just holler when the baby starts coming. Great meeting yall.
BALTHAZAR
Yes, nice meeting yall! Looking forward to, umm... going through this... together.
(BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR, and GARY retreat to a different corner of the barn.)
MELCHIOR
Oh man, I knew we left too early.
BALTHAZAR
I don't wanna be here for this. I was there when my niece was born. It was fucking terrifying.
GARY
They poop, ya know? The... pregnant women... They poop.
BALTHAZAR
Go to your room.
(exit GARY)
MELCHIOR
I just wanted to pop in, drop shit off, and leave. Now we're like... part of it.
BALTHAZAR
I know! And this could takes days, and then there's screaming.
MELCHIOR
What's that smell?
BALTHAZAR
Sheep shit.
MELCHIOR
I wanna be in my bed... O' holy nightmare, amirite?
BALTHAZAR
Mary's kinda hot though.
MELCHIOR
True. True.
Scene 6
(ext. The barn. A day has passed, but everyone is still on edge.)
JOSEPH
You're doing this on purpose. I know you are.
MARY
What? How?... Fucking how and fucking why would I be doing this on purpose?
JOSEPH
Because you hate me.
MARY
IF I HATED YOU, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE IN THIS DISGUSTING BARN WITH YOU ANY LONGER THAN I HAVE TO?!
MELCHIOR
Could yall keep it down over there?
JOSEPH and MARY
NO!
MELCHIOR
(under his breath) I hate this so much.
BALTHAZAR
Just keep pretending to sleep.
MELCHIOR
I've been pretending for 18 hours, and they haven't stopped. This is ridiculous.
JOSEPH
I'm just saying... ya know... Push that little guy out already. Then we can all go home. All of us.
MARY
You think it's that easy? Well, "doctor," if you really think that'll work. Lemme see... Hmmmm... Huuuuh... Hmmm... Nope. Doesn't work. Go back to making chairs and tables... Ya know, why don't you make me a bed or something?
JOSEPH
What are we going to do with a bed after you give birth? We can't take it with us.
MARY
WHO CARES? Make me comfortable. What kind of carpenter wouldn't make his pregnant wife a bed? I know what kind. A useless, talent-less carpenter...
JOSEPH
Oh, so we're going to fight about my career, now?
MARY
"Career." You hear that, guys? He calls it a career. You nail wood to wood and make shitty chairs.
JOSEPH
People love my chairs!
MARY
Because they get cold at night and need something to burn!
BALTHAZAR
Daaaaaaaaaamn!
MELCHIOR
Oh snap, that was a pretty good one.
JOSEPH
(after a long pause,muttered) They should try burning you...
MARY
What?
JOSEPH
Nothing...
MARY
Damn right, "nothing."
JOSEPH
...What if we tried sex?
MARY
What?
JOSEPH
Isn't that a thing? Like... I heard that having sex could bring about labor... Or something.
MARY
I'm not having sex with you... in a barn... in the same room as those assholes over there.
MELCHIOR
We can hear you.
MARY
Didn't whisper it.
JOSEPH
I mean... Maybe just a little foreplay could... stimulate... things?
MELCHIOR
Holy crap, they wouldn't, would they?
BALTHAZAR
I don't know...
MARY
No... and shut up.
JOSEPH
Just a thought.
(During an insanely uncomfortable pause, MARY's water breaks.)
MARY
Oh hell, my water broke.
JOSEPH, BALTHAZAR, and MELCHIOR
THANK GOD.
Scene 7
(ext. The Barn. We've fast forwarded. The baby has been born. MARY is holding the baby, and JOSEPH kneels beside her. The look happy and peaceful. The gifts lay at their feet. MELCHIOR, BALTHAZAR, and GARY look on from a respectful distance.)
MELCHIOR
I'm just saying... Puppies, Kittens... They're cuter than babies.
GARY
But that's (gestures to the baby)... God.
MELCHIOR
I know, and he's cute for a baby, sure... but I mean, I don't know. My dog Peanut was so cute as a puppy. He had puppy breath. And the way he yawned! That kid came out all bloody and gooey... Bald.
BALTHAZAR
I get what he's saying. My kid was kind of an uggo baby, but we didn't realize it until he was like 2. They get cuter. Babies aren't that cute...
GARY
This feels so wrong.
BALTHAZAR
Shut up, Gary. Just keep smiling.
MELCHIOR
So... this little one is going to save mankind.
BALTHAZAR
Hah, I don't think he's gonna save his parents' marriage.
MELCHIOR
Hey-o!
BALTHAZAR
Right?
MELCHIOR
His first miracle right there... I guess he is pretty cute.
BALTHAZAR
Yeah... Alright, let's give them some privacy.
(The three wise men exit, leaving MARY and JOSEPH to bask. End)
