"Like a Fat Adult Loves Cake"

This started as a quick observation and morphed into what I think would be a badass monologue.


I just saw someone use that expression that they love someone "like a fat kid loves cake," and it got me thinking... Ya know what's a really interesting, complex relationship? Loving someone like a "fat adult loves cake." Because a fat adult loves the immediate gratification of cake... but deep down, he hates cake. He hates what cake does to him. Cake makes him hate himself. After he eats cake, he looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize himself anymore. He's hidden behind a mask of fat cake on his face. Tears stream down his chubby cheeks. "Why am I doing this to myself?" he says.

Cake (literally) amplifies the worst parts of himself. Cake brings out the worst in him. Cake reminds him of everything he is and isn't. Cake stops him from being the person he could be... who he wants to be... because nobody wants to be fat. Nobody wants to be known as the guy who loves cake.

"Just wanna introduce you to the people around the office. See Jerry over there?"
"The fat guy?"
"Yeah."
"What about him?"
"He's in accounting. He LOVES cake.
"Oh..."
"Over there's Mike. He's in sales. Cool guy."

A fat kid who loves cake is innocent. It's sweet. It's pure. He doesn't know what he's doing to himself, but he has all the time in the world to stop loving cake. A fat adult who loves cake knows he's slowly killing himself.

He knows that cake doesn't love him back.

In spite of knowing all this... he'd rather eat cake.

He tries to find something else... something that'll give him the immediate gratification associated with cake, but he always comes back to cake because all the good, healthy foods aren't quite as good as cake.. Nothing makes him feel like cake does. And his friends are like, "What about celery? Celery's cool." And he's like, "Ughhh.... Can we dip the celery in cake?"


I posit that a healthy adult relationship simile is: "I love you like a regular person loves pizza."