I liked Jurassic World. I thought it was fun. Even the end where everything spins out of control beyond logic or reason, and it knew that it was starting to be stupid, I still had fun.
(I should say that the rest of this is spoilers.)
I was particularly amused by the raptors' allegiance double-switch. I mean... I get the first switch kind of. The second, not so much. Because it made no sense. So, I've decided to write out the raptors' character arc in a way that makes sense of that second allegiance switch.
First... Remember that scene where the I. rex meets the raptors for the first time, and they have a fairly lengthy dinosaur conversation? (Jesus...) I've provided the subtitles.
Raptor 1: We're gonna kill you. Raaaaar!
I rex: Are you sure? I'm the I rex. I'm a badass.
Raptor 2: Yeaaah, bring it. We're raptors. We invented being fucking badass.
I rex: Uhhhh, actually, I'm part raptor, too. The good part. That makes me even more badass.
Raptor 3: Yeah, but there's four of us, motherfucker.
I rex: Ooooh, I'm sooo scared (makes jacking-off gesture)... Hey, but real quick, what's that shit on your heads?
Raptor 4: What?
I rex: Yall have some weird shit on your heads. What- What is that? It looks lame.
Raptor 1: It's not lame...
I rex: Whatevs... Yall look lame... I'm prolly not even gonna eat your faces because yall look so lame...
Raptor 2: It's not lame. Shut up!
I rex: Naw, it's lame. Look at my head? Cool, right? Hmm... Say, I'll make yall a deal. if you join my side, I'll take those things off your heads.
Raptor 1: Wait, really?... I do kinda hate this thing on my head.
Raptor 2: Yeah... It is kinda lame...
I rex: Yeah, whatever. Doesn't really matter to me. I'll still kill all of yall and all those people over there. Because I'm the I rex. I can do fucking anything. I was invisible earlier. I fucking rock.
Raptor 2: So, you promise you'll take these things off our heads if we join you?
I rex: Yeah, man. I promise.
Raptor 1: Alright, it's a deal.
Raptor 3: Shiny... Let's go be bad guys!
Then I added a deleted scene.
Raptor 1: Hey boss?
I rex: What? I'm busy.
Raptor 1: Hey, I was just talking to the guys... and we're wondering when you were gonna take these things off our heads.
I rex: What? Yeah, whatever. When I'm not busy. Shut up.
Raptor 1: You sure?... Because it's been like 30 minutes, and we've eaten a lot of people for you...
I rex: Yeah, but YOU wanted to do that.
Raptor: C'mon, sir... We made a deal...
I rex: Dude... I'm busy. Okay? When I'm not busy, I will take those things off your heads.
Raptor 1: But the deal was...
I rex: I am altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it any further.
Raptor: This deal is getting worse all the time...
And now the subtitles for that scene when they see Chris Pratt and switch allegiances again.
Raptor 3: We hate you! Hiss! We're bad guys!
Raptor 1: Yeah! We're with the big guy now. And our new boss is gonna take this shit off our heads eventually. What were you ever gonna do?
Chris Pratt: Easy guys... C'mon don't be this way.
Raptor 1: If only you woulda taken this shit off our heads.
Chris Pratt: Here, let me take that shit off your head. (takes shit off Raptor 1's head)
Raptor 1: Whoa... Thank you.
Chris Pratt: Yeah, man.
Raptor: I... don't know what to say. Wow... I... I love you... Dad.
Raptor 2: Yeah you're alright, guy.
I rex: Hey,what in the pizza-fucking hell are yall doing?l Eat him!
Raptor 2: Nah, brah... We're with him now.
Raptor 3: Yeah!
Raptor: 4: Dinosaur Avengers Assemble!
I rex: I'm sooooo scared.
Raptor 1: You better be... We got a Hulk. (enter T. rex)
That Guy from Godzilla: Let them fight.
Aaaaaaand scene.
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