For this week's Throwback Thursday Post we go all the way back to (huh) August 8th, 2012... First posted this as a Facebook note where it was roundly ignored. I've been in script-writing mode lately, and I always loved this idea...
So, a couple of months ago, I decided to reimagine Scooby Doo as a gritty crime drama. And like most things I've tried writing, I started it then got distracted... This is the first four scenes. Posting it because, well, why not? How unfinished is it? We haven't met Scooby Doo yet (mostly because in my gritty, realistic crime drama, I could never decide how to incorporate a large, talking dog.)
If there's interest, I'll write more.
A Son of a Bitch Named Scooby Doo
ACT I, Scene I
(The scene begins with flashes of a seemingly normal neighborhood on a dreary day but in uncomfortable angles. The neighborhood is muted in gray. The images then concentrate on one house that seems particularly odd. The front door is open. We follow the camera through the door and to a lifeless body of a female in her mid 20s. Her eyes are open and vacant. The following dialogue is heard.)
DISPATCHER: 911, emergency response.
WOMAN: (panicked) Oh God, oh God, oh, God, Hello?
DISPATCHER: Ma'am?
WOMAN: Can anyone hear me?
DISPATCHER: Yes, ma'am. I can hear you.
WOMAN: (sobbing) Please is anyone there?... Please... Can anyone hear me?
DISPATCHER: Ma'am? I can hear yo-
WOMAN: There's something in the house. There's something in here. There's something... (A hissing/growling is heard in the background.)
DISPATCHER: Ma'am, can you hear me?
WOMAN: (Sobbing) Leave me alone. What are you? Please. Please. No. (A sinister, otherworldy laugh is then heard.)
DISPATCHER: Ma'am, I'm sending a car. Do you hear me? I'm sending a car. Are you there? Shit, I lost her.
(The line goes dead, and the picture fades to black until...)
Title Card: A Son of a Bitch Named Scooby Doo
(We're now at a police station featuring highly state-of-the-art, possibly even futuristic equipment. The station is buzzing with activity. The camera takes the path towards the elevator where we find DAPHNE Blake, a very attractive red-headed, young woman in an elevator. She's dressed in dark purple suit and holding a briefcase. She pushes the button to the 13th floor and is taken there almost instantaneously. The 13th floor is quieter, and there are fewer people around. The camera follows DAPHNE as she makes her way to reception. RUBY an older woman greets her.)
DAPHNE: Good morning. Detective Blake to speak with Captain Jones.
RUBY: Yes, ma'am. I'll let him know that you've arrived.
DAPHNE: Great, thank you.
RUBY: (on phone) Captain, I have a Detective Blake here to see you. Okay. (to DAPHNE) Go right on in.
DAPHNE: Thank you.
RUBY: Good Luck.
(We follow DAPHNE into FRED Jones's office. The office is very organized and lacks any sense of decoration. Very Spartan. FRED sits at his desk going over paperwork. FRED is a big, burly, weathered, blonde-headed man in his late 30s/early 40s. His hair is kept high and tight. He wears a dark neckerchief that is barely distinguishable from his dark suit. As DAPHNE enters, FRED doesn't look up from his paperwork.)
DAPHNE: Captain Jones. I'm Detective -
FRED: Have a seat, Blake. (a beat) Look, I'm a busy man, (finally looks up) so let's cut to the chase. I don't want you. I don't need you. I don't think having you in here is a good fit.
DAPHNE: (slightly taken aback) May I ask why?
FRED: Your father.
DAPHNE: I can hardly see what he has anything to do with-
FRED: The PSCU is a very real, very dangerous place, little girl. And I don't have time to babysit Senators' daughters who want to play cop.
DAPHNE: "Play cop?" With all due respect, sir, my case record is near spotless. I have more arrests and have closed more cases than anyone else in this state.
FRED: That a fact?
DAPHNE: You know it is... sir. And might I add, that your disapproval of my family ties does nothing to change the fact that I have been assigned to the Potentially Supernatural Crimes Unit and will do my duty until the moment that I am assigned elsewhere.
FRED: Cute. (looking her over) Hmm... Alright Blake, I'll make you a deal. If you prove to be even somewhat useful on the next case, I'll keep you on. But if you get in the way... If you prove me right that you really are just some spoiled child who's watched too much Bucky the Vampire whatever, I'll take this to the mayor and make sure you never work major crimes ever again. You'll be out on your ass so quick, you'll think it was your first marriage all over again. (DAPHNE appears visibly bothered.) Oooh, looks like I struck a nerve. Pushed your buttons didn't I, sweetie?
DAPHNE: No, sir.
FRED: Hmm. (Satisfied) Then... do we have a deal?
DAPHNE: Fine. Captain.
FRED: Oh, c'mon, sugar tits, don't get your panties in a bunch. (To the phone intercom) Ruby, can you come in here? (Enter RUBY) Ruby, here, is gonna give you the tour. Set her up by Herring and Ramirez.
RUBY: Yes sir. Oh, and Dr. Dinkley is outside. She said you were expecting her.
FRED: Yes, send her in.
DAPHNE: Looking forward to working with you, sir.
(FRED nods as they exit. The scene stays with FRED who continues flipping through papers. Enter VELMA Dinkley. Velma is in a white lab coat over her bright orange turtle neck. VELMA is clearly missing her right arm and has some older, faint scarring on the right side of her face. She's younger but seems to share a familial relationship with FRED.)
VELMA: What's up, chief?
FRED: Hey V. Take a seat. You read the file on Blake?
VELMA: Of course.
FRED: So... What do you think?
VELMA: Other than she's gonna be the next former Mrs. Captain Fred Jones? (FRED is unamused) Daphne Blake: graduated at the top of her class at Harvard at the age of 20. Tests indicate an above above-average IQ. Heavily recruited by Langley and Quantico, so she did both...
FRED: (forcefully) And she has a list of references and commendations longer than both of your arms combined. I read the file, too. (Forcefully) What do you think?
VELMA: Well... I think she can be an asset.
FRED: "An asset." Huh... Women...
(Enter Officer SPEARS)
SPEARS: Captain Jones. Doctor Dinkley. Sorry to interrupt, but we just got a call from PD. There's a potentially supernatural murder at the corner of Hannah and Barbera.
FRED: Thanks Ken. Haven't even had my coffee. V, go on ahead. Looks like the tour is gonna have to wait.
Scene III
(We are inside of the house. VELMA, now with two arms, is inspecting the lifeless body of a brunette woman by the front door. The body is face up and looks perfectly normal except very pale. There are other officers in the home checking for fingerprints and doing various officerly things. There are officers outside speaking with another man. FRED enters with DAPHNE trailing.)
FRED: Dr. Velma Dinkley, this is Detective Daphne Blake. Blake, this is our resident forensic examiner and special investigator.
DAPHNE: Hi.
FRED: Alright, V, what do we got?
VELMA: Victim is a 24 year old woman named Alice Rogers. We believe she is the woman that contacted 911 about an hour ago-
FRED: Yeah, we listened to the tape.
VELMA: The strange thing is, this body is ice cold. Almost like she's been dead for well over 8 hours.
DAPHNE: So it might not be the same woman?
VELMA: That is currently unknown.
FRED: Do we have a cause of death?
VELMA: Not yet. There are no immediate signs of trauma to the torso or extremities, but...(rolls the body over with her right arm. It is now apparent that VELMA has a robotic arm.) It looks like the victim was sodomized.
DAPHNE: Sodomized?
FRED: That's sex, rook... In the Ass.
DAPHNE:I know what it means, sir.
FRED: I bet you do.
VELMA: Jinkies...
FRED: Shit... Velma said "Jinkies." That means there's semen.
VELMA: (Ignoring) There is definite trauma to the rectum, and I'm showing trace amounts of what appears to be seminal fluid. (VELMA sniffs the substance on her finger) But I can't be sure. There's something very odd about this body, sir. I can't just put my finger on it. I'll need to get the body back to the lab.
FRED: Alright, V, get going. I want this wrapped up soon.
VELMA: Aye-aye, Cap. (VELMA takes off the robotic right arm which confuses DAPHNE. VELMA notices DAPHNE's discomfort.) It was a gift from an old friend.
DAPHNE: What happened?
VELMA: Case from some years back. This creepy bastard held me for ransom. Lopped it clean off and sent it to Freddy.
FRED: Ladies, we're on the clock here.
VELMA: I'll tell you later. See you at the station. (VELMA exits as officer SACHS enters)
FRED: Hey Sachs, who are Marks and Johnson talking to outside?
SACHS: The neighbor, a Mr. Wilford Jones. Apparently he made noise complaints all night. Something about screaming and banging, but when patrol went out, the house was quiet as a mouse.
FRED: Anything in the rooms?
SACHS: Checking now, chief. We couldn't get to the bedrooms because the body was in the way, and Dinks didn't want us to disturb it.
DAPHNE: How many rooms?
SACHS: 4, ma'am.
FRED: Alright, good. Lemme know if anything's found. (SACHS exits) Blake, check this house's history in the Mystery Machine.
DAPHNE: The what?
FRED: The Mystery Machine. (losing patience) The little hand-held doo-dad, super-computer that you're holding.
DAPHNE: Oh. (Checking her tablet) Accessing. It says that it was built in 1965. There have been 20 different tenants since 1970. Wow... 11 deaths... All, apparently, of natural causes related to heart issues... The last tennant, Miss Alice Rogers, had been living here for 8 months... with an uncle.
FRED: An uncle?
DAPHNE: Dr. Norville Rogers...
FRED: Shaggy?
DAPHNE: You know him?
FRED: He was one of the founding members of this unit. Gave V that arm. I didn't think he had any family.
DAPHNE: He and Ms. Rogers were living here up until four months ago. Retired marine... da-da-da... military scientist specializing in organic robotics... currently residing at the Eden House.
FRED: Shaggy's in a psych ward?
DAPHNE: Voluntarily admitted. A couple months before that, he and the landlord, Mr. Felix Steinfeld, got into an altercation. According to the mystery machine, Steinfeld lives about 15 minutes away.
(SACHS returns to the main room looking disturbed)
FRED: Sachs, have the landlord, Felix Steinfeld, brought in for questioning.
SACHS: That might be a problem, chief. You might wanna take a look at something.
(FRED and DAPHNE follow SACHS into a bedroom. In the bedroom, we find a body that's been ripped open at the torso and mounted on the wall. The ribs are splayed open, and the heart is hanging out. The room is covered with blood. There are words written with blood on the ground that read, "sum quod eris")
FRED: What the hell am I looking at?
SACHS: According to his ID, this... is Felix Steinfeld.
DAPHNE: God, almighty.
FRED: (to SACHS) Get Dinkley and tell her we have another body. (to DAPHNE) "Sum quod eris." Know what that means?
DAPHNE: Yes. "I am what you will be."
Scene IV
(We are in a meeting room at a psych ward. SHAGGY is seated at a table. SHAGGY is in his early mid-early 30s. His hair is unkempt and in his eyes. He's thin to the point of malnourished. He looks homeless. FRED approaches from behind and puts his hand on SHAGGY.)
FRED: Hey Shag.
SHAGGY: Fred? (SHAGGY jumps up to see his old friend.) Freddy Jones! (SHAGGY hugs FRED) You piece of shit, how are you? It's been, like, ages, man.
FRED: Too long. I didn't even know you were in here.
SHAGGY: Wow, what brings you to the mad house?
FRED: You might wanna have a seat. I, um... I'm here for a case... I have some bad news actually. It's... It's Alice.
SHAGGY:...Who?
FRED: Alice. Your niece.
SHAGGY: Oh, right, right... what... like, what happened to her, man?
FRED: I'm so sorry, Shag. She's dead.
SHAGGY: Well, that's impossible.
FRED: We found her body this morning. Don't worry, we're gonna find out what happened to her.
SHAGGY: Good, good.... Wow, man... That's... She died the house?
FRED: Her body was found at the home. It looks like she was sodomized, but there were no other signs of a struggle or trauma... Front door was wide open, but no signs of breaking and entering.
SHAGGY: Did you look in the basement? Like, was anything in the basement disturbed?
FRED: What basement?
SHAGGY: The secret basement?
FRED: No... But there were two murders at your house, Shag. Alice and the landlord.
SHAGGY: Felix?
FRED: We found him mounted to the wall... splayed open with his heart hanging out, and "Sum quod eris" written in blood.
SHAGGY: Well, like, for what he was charging, he had it coming.
FRED: That's not funny, Shag...You know, you're really taking this really well. Is there something you wanna tell me?
SHAGGY: I, uh... Look... (leans in and whispers) Alice... was a robot.
FRED: ...What?
SHAGGY: Alice was a robot... Crazy right? I'm convinced that she, herself, didn't even know she was a robot. I created her to protect something in that basement. And now we have to go there and make sure it's safe.
FRED: Shag...
SHAGGY: Fred, you know what I can do. Do I look like I'm insane? (FRED looks around) Okay, like, ignore where we are for a second. Fred, I had myself hospitalized a couple months ago so that they couldn't get me or the project I was working on. If it fell into the wrong hands, God knows what would happen. They must've come after me but found her. Figured out who she was and shocked her with an EMP or something. They must've taken the memory chip from the board in her anus. It is imperative that we get to that house.
FRED: Wha... Who are you hiding from?
SHAGGY: I don't even know anymore.
FRED: So, the victim in our murder case is a robot. Well, that's fucking brilliant...
SHAGGY: Well, there's still Steinfeld...
(FRED's phone rings. FRED answers)
FRED: Jones.
VELMA: Fred, you're not going to believe this-
FRED: Alice Rogers is a robot.
VELMA: Uh... yes.
FRED: And she was shocked with an EMP or something, right?
VELMA: I...
FRED: And she's missing a memory board from her rectum. You and Blake meet me back at the house. We have to check out the secret basement. (to SHAGGY). Dr. Norville Rogers, I am hereby taking you into custody.
SHAGGY: Far out, man.
