While discussing whether the group should do a Space Jam table read, I remembered this project. Last year, I had that video run of "going on dates with characters from children's shows." And then my friend Jen came up with the idea of going on dates with Disney princesses. I loved the idea, so I started working on a script for an awkward date with The Little Mermaid. Originally, it was gonna be a 3-5 minute scene/multi-episode web series kinda thing, but I got too write-y. This would prolly be 12-15 minutes. I presented the finished and bound script to Jen as a birthday present, and me, Jen, Joey, and Meg had an impromptu table read. I played the part of STEVE and the saucy, British, Fairy Godmother/NARRATOR (who was easily the best part). One of those projects I'm really proud of because I finished it.
Story by
Jack Batongbakal and Jennifer Moran
Script by
Jack Batongbakal
ARIEL
Hello, my name is Ariel. I was a mermaid princess who lived under the sea. (picture of Ariel and Eric) One day, I met and fell in love with Prince Eric. It was love at first sight… Kind of. Our fairy tale didn't quite work out. (picture of them "split," possibly in the style of a TMZ-esque website article) It was hard… I don't want to talk about it… But, here I am now: human, single, living on my own, looking for love, and trying to get back on my… what do you call them? Oh! Feet! I'm out of the sea and trying to be…
(Title Card…possibly sung)
Part of Your World
created by Jack and Jen
(Title Card 2)
NARRATOR
Today's Episode: Steve
(magical sound effect, and then we hear the voice of NARRATOR. NARRATOR is a “saucy,” proper, English, Fairy Godmother)
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, (Ariel looking at Phone) Ariel downloaded a popular courting
application known as Tinder. One day, Ariel swiped right on Steve (fake Tinder profile for Steve) because
of his handsome face and their mutual interests in –let’s see here- the beach,
animals, and -oh dear- “having fun.” “Having fun”... Seriously? (mocking) “I like having fun,” Really?
Way to put yourselves out there, guys… Ahem… After communicating with him via
texted messages with their cellular telephones, Ariel and Steve set up a date
and met at a restaurant. Their chemistry was a bit… lacking.
(Ariel and Steve are sitting at a table.
In front of them are waters and menus. They are staring deeply at the menus.)
STEVE
(sips) Mmm, that’s good water.
ARIEL
Is it? (sips) Oh, yes.
STEVE
Yeah. (sips again) I like how it’s uh… ya know… cold.
ARIEL
Because of the ice.
STEVE
Yeah. Right. Right. The ice.
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
(sarcastically) Oh, how I hope the entire date is just
like this. I am going to need some gin.
STEVE
STEVE
So… I recognized you… from the news.
ARIEL
Oh, you did?
STEVE
Well, yeah. It was kind of a big deal.
Actually a bit surprised that you were really you.
ARIEL
So, what do you know about me?
STEVE
That you used to be a mermaid… and then
you magically got legs, and fell in love, and married Prince Eric… in a week.
ARIEL
ARIEL
That’s true.
STEVE
But then 'something' happened, and you divorced…
but nobody knows why. And now you're here.
ARIEL
And now I’m here. But technically, we’re
not divorced yet. The papers are still being filed. I did move out of the
castle. I have a cute, little apartment close to the ocean. It’s great.
STEVE
Have you ever thought about going back
to the sea?
ARIEL
Oh no. I kind of went through a lot to
be here, and now I just want to experience all these wonderful things on the
surface world. Like dating! You are my second suitor ever!
STEVE
Wow, ever?
ARIEL
Yes! And I think it is going very well.
STEVE
Well, that’s… Really?
Well, that’s… Really?
ARIEL
Oh, yes. When I first met Prince Eric, I
was 16. I could barely walk, and I couldn’t even speak!
STEVE
Were you… drugged?
ARIEL
No, silly. I had just been given legs,
and the sea witch had stolen my voice…
STEVE
Sea Witch?
NARRATOR
More like a c-word, am I right? Haha…
Hmm… Cunt.
ARIEL
ARIEL
Ursula. But yeah, me and Eric dated for
a week. And then we married… But don't worry. I don't expect us to get married
in a week! (very amused by her joke) Hahaha!
Could you imagine? Hahaha, I mean, could you? Hahaha!
Steve
Okay…
ARIEL
I feel like I’m talking too much about
me. What about you? What do you do?
STEVE
I, uh… I work at Applebee’s.
ARIEL
Oh, how grand! Where is this realm?
Applebee’s?
STEVE
No, no. It's… It’s a restaurant. I’m a
bartender… and an assistant to the manager.
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
Did he call himself “an assistant to the
manager?” Hey! Steve… Everyone is an assistant to the manager. Bloody hell,
this guy.
STEVE
STEVE
I mean, it’s just a day gig. I'm also in
a band. We're called Peanut Butter and Chaos. I play bass. We do like a… metal
funk gothic fusion. We sound pretty tight. You should check us out.
ARIEL
You must meet my friend, Sebastian!
Sebastian is in a hot crustacean band! They're a hoot!
STEVE
A what?
ARIEL
And I love to sing! Eric said that he fell in love with me because of my voice. You better watch out if I start singing. (amused with herself again) HAHA! Don't want you to fall in love with me too soon! Hahaha!
And I love to sing! Eric said that he fell in love with me because of my voice. You better watch out if I start singing. (amused with herself again) HAHA! Don't want you to fall in love with me too soon! Hahaha!
(WAITER approaches. We only hear his voice.)
WAITER
Here's some fresh bread, guys. I'll be
back in just a sec to get your order.
(WAITER Exits)
STEVE
Do you know what you want?
ARIEL
I think I’m just gonna stick with the
salad and some soup.
STEVE
Yeah, that sounds good. They have good…
lettuce here.
ARIEL
What about you?
STEVE
I might get the steak… Or the salmon.
The fish here is always delicious. (Ariel
sneers) Or not… The salad… I could go for a salad, too.
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
Nooooo… Steve said was going to order
and eat the fish. A FISH! AND HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY HE WAS GOING TO EAT THAT FISH
IN A SEXUAL WAY. That I could understand. He is bloody awful.
ARIEL
(Ariel cuts herself piece a bread.) I LOVE bread. We don’t have bread under
the sea. I could honestly eat it for every meal. Or just eat it all the time,
without even stopping.
STEVE
You'd get fat.
ARIEL
Now, why would I get fat?
STEVE
Bread makes you fat.
ARIEL
(mouth full) Bread makes you fat!?
(WAITER returns)
WAITER
Hey guys, are yall ready to order?
STEVE
Yes… I think that we’ll both have the
house salad and the house soup.
WAITER
Excellent, I'll have that right out.
ARIEL
Thank you.
(WAITER exits)
STEVE
So, what do you do for work these days?
ARIEL
Ya know… public appearances. And I own a
little collectibles shop near the pier. It’s called Treasures Untold. We sell-
STEVE
Treasures Untold. Isn't that the sex toy
shop?
ARIEL
Heavens, no! We sell Gadgets and Gizmos,
Whosits and Whatsits, and Thingamabobs. I have over 24 Thingamabobs now. It’s
very exciting.
STEVE
…None of what you just said tells me
anything about your business.
ARIEL
It’s just really neat stuff. And people
bring me all kinds of wonderful things that they let me buy. Why, yesterday, a
funny gentleman sold me a… what was it called… Oh! A VCR! It's supposed to play
all sorts of films, right?
STEVE
Yes, a VCR plays films… from the early
90s.
ARIEL
And another gentleman sold me 16
partially used candles. Can you believe someone would just throw those out?
STEVE
Don't take this the wrong way, but you
kinda sound like you're a hoarder…
(WAITER returns with salads and soups)
WAITER
Here are your salads and soups guys.
Careful, the soup's kind of hot.
(WAITER Exits)
Ariel
Oh, I didn't get a dinglehopper.
STEVE
A what, now?
A what, now?
ARIEL
No, the… umm… what's that word again?
Oh! Fork!
STEVE
Here, take this one. Yall don't have
forks down there?
ARIEL
No, we just put our food on our tummies
and use our hands.
STEVE
Interesting… Why did you call a fork a
dinglehopper?
ARIEL
It was something that Scuttle told me
awhile back.
STEVE
Who’s Scuttle?
ARIEL
A friend of mine.
STEVE
And his name is Scuttle? What is that?
Dutch?
ARIEL
No, he’s a seagull.
STEVE
Okay.
NARRATOR
And so Ariel and Steve ate their salads and soups and even ordered a couple drinks. As the evening went on, they found themselves opening up a bit more which made things… Well…
ARIEL
And so Ariel and Steve ate their salads and soups and even ordered a couple drinks. As the evening went on, they found themselves opening up a bit more which made things… Well…
ARIEL
You have really nice eyes.
STEVE
You do, too.
ARIEL
And I like how dry your face is. (touches his face)
STEVE
Mmm… Well, it looks pretty good wet, too…
ARIEL
You should watch me walk around. I can
do heels now.
STEVE
That actually sounds like a great idea.
ARIEL
Do you wanna go for a walk on the beach
after dinner? Or just sit in the sand and watch the waves.
STEVE
Maybe… I don’t like sand. It’s coarse,
and rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere. Not like here. (touches Ariel's arm) Here everything is
soft. And smooth.
ARIEL
You’re so deep.
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
Wait, no… That was the shitty “I don't
like sand” speech from Attack of the Clones!!! And she went with it? In a
minute, he's gonna talk about murdering sand people, and she's just keep
falling in love. Stop drinking, you fool!
STEVE
What are you thinking about? (STEVE
takes a drink)
ARIEL
Umm… Toilet’s are weird, right?
(STEVE does a spit take)
STEVE
Umm… Yeah… I suppose if you didn’t
really grow up with one.
ARIEL
I don’t like using them. Sometimes, I
just go back into the sea.
STEVE
Wow.
ARIEL
(Pause) How do you feel about children?
NARRATOR
Great transition, Ariel.
STEVE
I don't know. Maybe someday. With the
right girl. What about you?
ARIEL
I love children.
STEVE
(awkward pause) Okay, don't answer this if this is too
dumb… But are you all…?
ARIEL
What?
STEVE
Like… all… biologically female down
there… now?
ARIEL
Hmm… you wanna take a peek?
STEVE
No, no… I mean, yes… But that's not why
I… Okay, would you give birth or lay eggs or…?
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
He did not just say that!
ARIEL
You did not just say that.
STEVE
What?
ARIEL
Mermaids don't lay eggs.
STEVE
Oh… I guess, I always assumed. I mean
their… your bottom part was half fish.
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
Did he say "half fish?" He
said "half-fish, didn’t he? Oh Steve, that's like the n-word for mermaids.
ARIEL
ARIEL
(insulted) Excuse me? Did you say “half fish?”
STEVE
Yeah…
NARRATOR
Oh shit! It's on! It’s fucking on!
ARIEL
ARIEL
“Half fish?” Ugh… UGH. THAT is so
offensive and… what's that word? Ignorant.
STEVE
…Why do you do that?
ARIEL
What?
STEVE
You seem to speak English perfectly. But
when you forget a word, you bring attention to it and then almost immediately recall
it… It was cute at first, but like… What's the deal with that?
ARIEL
(very annoyed) I was raised underwater. We don't have
feet or forks or VCRs or ignorance underwater.
STEVE
Hey, you know… I’m not judging.
ARIEL
I think you are, Steve… And who are you
to judge me? You know, I speak to crabs and birds and fish and countless other
different species of creatures above and under the sea. Creatures that you
don’t even know exist! My father rules 3/4 of the world, and I am an heiress to
that throne. I am able to bridge multiple gaps between multiple worlds, and I
do it in song! And what do you do, Steve? You work at (mocking) what's that called? Oh yeah! Applebee’s!
NARRATOR
NARRATOR
Ohhhhhhh!!!!! Oh snap!
(WAITER returns)
WAITER
Hey guys… Uh… Did we save any room for
dessert?
STEVE
No, I think we’re ready for the check.
WAITER
Alrighty, I’ll be right back.
(WAITER exits)
STEVE
So… do you wanna, like, split this?
ARIEL
(ARIEL glares at STEVE. ARIEL goes into
her purse, pulls out a gold coin, and leaves it on the table.) No, I got it. (ARIEL then gets up and starts to sing) I do know when. And I
do know how-
STEVE
What?
ARIEL
I know that something is ending right
now.
STEVE
Okay.
ARIEL
(to the rest of the restaurant with her
back at STEVE) Watch and you’ll see…
Someday I’ll be… Part of your world. (ARIEL
is confused because she expects water to splash STEVE, but nothing happens.)
Steve
Cool… well, best of luck to you, you
psycho, half fis-
ARIEL
(ARIEL then grabs a glass of water,
throws the drink at STEVE’s face, throws the glass at STEVE, and walks off) You’re right. Your face looks pretty
good wet… Dick.
(ARIEL exits)
NARRATOR
Oh, man, that was good. I feel good.
Don't you feel good about how that worked out? That was fun. I need a fag. Oh,
I'm sorry. I’m British. That's what we call cigarettes. Also, what we call “fannies,”
you call “vaginas.” Weird right? Culture… Mmm… Well, children, obviously Steve
was not the one for Ariel. But don't you fret. There will be many more suitors.
Many, many more… So… umm… Yeah, I don't have a sign off or anything, yet… Just,
uh, be good! Until next time! Umm… Go ahead and roll the credits… (credits start rolling, but NARRATOR is
still talking) Look at these credits… Pretty short… Two people doing all
the work… And I'm voiced by a man with a funny name. That's weird, right? Like
a twist… Like Shyamalan but… ya know, awesome. Okay, bye!
(Fade to black for a short beat until…)
NARRATOR
On the next Part of Your World…
(New restaurant with a new waiter and a new suitor named RICHARD)
WAITER
Hey guys, just wanted to bring yall some
complimentary caviar courtesy of Chef.
RICHARD
Uh oh…
ARIEL
Ooooh, what’s caviar?
RICHARD
Oh God, no…
WAITER
Caviar is salt-cured fish eggs.
ARIEL
Fi-Fish eggs? (building intensity) FISH EGGS?!
WAITER
Yes. This is his specialty.
ARIEL
No… No, no, no, no, no, no… No…
RICHARD
Oh man, she's Shia Lebeoufing.
Oh man, she's Shia Lebeoufing.
ARIEL
(to WAITER) How could you?
WAITER
Is something wrong?
Is something wrong?
(ARIEL stands)
ARIEL
HOW COULD YOU?! YOU’RE A MONSTER! They
were children. They were people. The caviar is made of people! (Screaming at the other patrons. ARIEL gets
up and goes table to table.) Don't eat it! The caviar is people!
RICHARD
(to WAITER) Oh please, take this away right now.
WAITER
I am SO sorry.
ARIEL
(yelling at the sky) You maniacs!!! You killed them all!!! Damn you!!!
(yelling at the sky) You maniacs!!! You killed them all!!! Damn you!!!
NARRATOR
God, I love this girl.
